We are Broken Fragments

(In response to a Sunday evening service filled with sharing, tears, and brokenness)

We are broken fragments; 

at times, near tears, and sighing 

under the weight of the burdens we carry.

Healer of our every ill, light of each tomorrow,

give us peace beyond our fear, and hope beyond our sorrow.

We are broken fragments; 

and we are hurting; 

at times, we are quiet, consumed by our fear

of stigmas, of vulnerability, of others' opinions of us.

Come unto me, all who are weary,

and I will give you rest.

We are broken fragments;

some of us in small pieces, shattered by broken dreams,

missed opportunities, and daily struggles;

others rebuilding, mending from past hurts,

moving toward wholeness day by day.

Lord, let us be swept into Your current of love.

We are broken fragments;

some of us reaching out, yearning for Your touch;

others of us are just here, 

waiting to be seen, known, and understood.

Your presence is my stay; 

a word of Your supporting breath 

drives all my fears away.

We are broken fragments; 

but in our brokenness, we are real, 

we are honest with ourselves

and with You.

Healer of our every ill, light of each tomorrow,

give us peace beyond our fear, and hope beyond our sorrow.

We are broken fragments;

fragile, but like glass, we reflect Your light,

shining on us, warming us, giving us comfort and courage;

working in our brokenness to form us 

into stained glass works of art

that will reflect Your hope, Your grace, and Your love

to all who will see.

Lord, make us instruments of your peace. 

Where there is blindness, we will pray for sight;

where there is darkness, we will shine His light.

We are broken fragments;

but daily we are being transformed into Your likeness.

In our brokenness, make us humble;

in our brokenness, make us vessels of Your love.

1, 5 - by Marty Haugen, 1987, GIA Publications, Inc.

2 - Matthew 11:28.

3 - © 1993 Expressions Of Praise Music.

4 - Isaac Watts, 1719.

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

sometimes life feels so fragile, like it must be held ever-so-gently in order to fully hold on to it.

today is one of those days.  relationships change, time changes, life changes - in so many ways bad and good.  mostly good, but sometimes you realize that life can be hard too, for those around you.

when life starts to feel fragile, i find myself reading poetry, listening to wise words, and finding hope in the newness of each day we're given; seeking to embrace the moments that are both bad and good and choosing to find the good, because that is life, in its essence.


"teach us to count the days, teach us to make the days count.  lead us in a better way, because sometimes our souls forgot: life means so much, life means so much.  teach us to count the days." {chris rice}

{Confession}: Yes, I Am a Perfectionist

Yep, that's me.

So, I have a confession to make:  I often wish I was perfect.  I have always strived to be as good of a person as possible, get the best grades, be in the best shape, and make as few mistakes as possible.  I am a perfectly organized unorganized, extremely forgetful perfectionist (how's that for a combination?).  I like when things go smoothly, easily, and when I think I play a part in that by being a good person, wife, daughter, friend, student, fill in the blank...

But the problem is, I'm just not.  Not perfect, in the least.  I am unorganized, I mess up, get angry, forget appointments, forget to make appointments, cry easily, indulge in way too much ice cream, and forget to clean the dishes...for days.  Sometimes I think that the high standards that I hold myself to actually make me feel less motivated to do these things, because I'm so afraid to mess up that then I actually set myself up for it.  It sounds crazy, because it is!

But taking a look around me makes me realize I am not alone.  We are a society crazed about being the very best of everything.  There's nothing wrong with working towards being better, more successful, or more aware.  The problem is when we're trying so hard to do and be these things that we become afraid to fail and avoid mistakes at all costs.  For me, this means being afraid of risk and trying new things because I am afraid that it will bring up a new, even more imperfect part of me.  I love the idea of new things and places, yet I often avoid them for the familiar.  And more than anything, I dread conflict, because in conflict we often see the worst of ourselves.  My poor husband has seen the worst of me as I dance around conflict and then finally cave and handle it even more badly.

The bad thing, for those of who want to be perfect, is that we never will be.  We're human, which means constantly growing, learning, and relearning, but never doing it perfectly.  Life is a messy process, and we can only truly learn if we embrace mistakes and risk as part of the process.  I've realized that without risk, I'm only half-living.  I want a whole life, more than I want a perfect or conflict-free life.  I think of all the implications there would be of a life without learning through mistakes:

- My marriage would be the same that it was on the day I was married (or the day we met - even scarier!), without taking into account all the things 

we can learn from living together. 

- I would be in the same profession my whole life without 

getting better at it or deciding whether it is a good fit for me. 

- Life would be boring, because I'd be living on auto-pilot without choices or mistakes.

- Getting older wouldn't mean getting wiser, just getting older.

- I would live a life without much possibility for creativity, because, as many artists will tell you, creativity is shaped by mistakes, messiness, and doing it again and again.

So, what's the answer?  How can I live a more full life that embraces mistakes? This quote from Gandhi sums it up pretty well:

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom
to make mistakes.”


The best answer I can come up with is grace.  Grace is God's gift to us, anything we receive that we don't deserve.  Grace is also a gift to ourselves, and each other.  Grace allows mistakes, embraces failure as part of life, welcomes change, remains faithful and understanding, but prompts growth. 

Learning to extend grace to myself is often harder than extending it to others (although I need to work on that, too!).  I need to learn to give myself grace when I eat too much dessert, let the kitchen get too messy, and act like a grouch.  With grace, I can see these as things to learn from in order to become more of the person I would like to be.  

And I'm going to try to be more patient with myself and keep track of what I learn from my mistakes.  In the book Confessor, Terry Goodkind writes,

“I'm afraid that we all make mistakes. One of the things that defines our character is how we handle mistakes. If we lie about having made a mistake, then it can't be corrected and it festers. On the other hand, if we give up just because we made a mistake, even a big mistake, none of us would get far in life.”


I, for one, would like to have a character that is shaped by learning from my mistakes rather than fighting them.  One way I'm already trying to do this is through simplicity.  I write often on this blog about seeking to make my life more simple, whole, and focused on what matters.  I'm realizing along the way that simplicity helps me to see through the things and look at myself and my relationships more truly.

Quiet.

Oh weekend...I'm so glad you're here. I haven't quite figured out what it is mentally about the weekends that makes them so anticipation-inducing, or so physically refreshing. I guess it may be just that-the idea that there is something different about these two days of weekend that make us able to slow down a little, to not expect quite so much from ourselves. This may not be true for everyone - I know for many, weekends are time for yard work, cleaning, or whatever else their weeks were just a little too busy for. With some exceptions, Ben and I usually designate weekends as time to relax, rest, enjoy. Although lately my weeks have not been very busy or eventful, I still find myself looking forward to the weekend's pace and change in schedule.

Lately, it feels likes my life is full of quiet moments, more than anything else. I know usually we speak of quiet as a rare, sought after luxury. And I agree - it is all too rare in our fast-paced, noisy world. However, summer has brought a deep quietness that I have not experienced in a long time - if ever, to this degree. I suppose what I mean is not just a quietness around me, but a quietness within me as well. I've had some moments this summer of recognizing that quiet as peace-contentedness, acceptance. I am finally okay with the state of myself, my life, my next steps and the change that comes with them. Yet another thing that always eludes me about life is that ever-present sense of doubt. Is the quiet too quiet? Is it because I'm boring? Bored? Unmotivated? Not busy enough? Not embracing life around me?

And then, I draw myself back to reality in moments like this - the only reality one who follows Christ and/or for anyone who truly embraces the mystery of life as inevitable - trust. Trust. In God, trust in quietness as being okay, trust in myself to know myself well enough to know if something is off, and trust in the forward movement of life to not always be very quiet - and maybe therefore, to embrace it while it is abundant in my life right now.

Maybe I am alone in this suspicion of quiet. Or maybe it is reflective of a world that is hardly quiet, so that when we do have blissful quiet, we don't know how to embrace it. Or live well in it, like I'm finding myself struggling to do right now.

As fall comes (one of my favorite seasons), I realize that is often one of the busiest times in my year. The onset of holidays, school, switching over of wardrobes, and new forms of yard maintenance to do. So maybe, just maybe, I can enjoy this last glimmer of summer, and quiet, as a blessing to refresh me before this exciting, busy fall time begins, and so I will - try.

Rethinking Beauty

As you can probably tell, I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. That’s what summer will do to you, I guess (especially when you’re a teacher/student and you have long gaps of free time). I think it must come with this stage of life too – lots of transitions, lots of new things to figure out about how to live well, be a good marriage partner, be a good daughter, and be true to myself. It’s a common state for a twenty-something, although from what I hear, it may last through more decades than just the twenties!

This week I’ve been thinking about beauty, what it is and how I define it. This isn’t the first time in my life that I’ve thought about beauty, but there was something that brought it back to mind pretty keenly a few days ago.

These.

On Friday I went to the eye doctor, thinking that I had a bad case of allergies and would be sent home feeling silly with Visine and tissues, but instead, I left chided for the severe infection the doctor found in both eyes that apparently had been hanging out there for a little while without me realizing it. I had no idea – how are you supposed to know you have an eye infection? So, as a result, I was warned not to put my contacts in. The doctor told me that I need to wear my glasses for what could be a couple months while my eyes heal.

So, I got new glasses (thanks to my mom!), and sunglasses, lots of drops, and came home. I had appointment round two a few days later, and was told that I should throw away all of my makeup and replace it, and that my eyesight had changed as a result of the infection, and that soon I will need new contacts and a new prescription. It felt like bad news just kept getting a little worse. To be honest though, this week I have not been too worried about my eyesight, or infection, new contacts or a changed prescription, I’ve been thinking about how I feel with my glasses on.

There is absolutely nothing unbeautiful about wearing glasses – in fact, I’ve always kind of loved the smart, funky look they can provide. Growing up, I desperately wanted glasses, which was a wish granted early on. However, when one is not used to wearing them, and in addition is wearing them without makeup, it somehow changes the perception.

I am not used to wearing my glasses. For some reason, I just don’t like to wear them as an adult – it makes me feel tired, unprepared for the day, and just out of sorts (even though glasses really do none of these things…). Getting used to what I look like with them on has taken some…getting used to. I am embarrassed to even admit this. I wish it didn’t matter at all to me how I look at any given time. And truly, it has not been ruining my life or taking away my enjoyment of it. But it has played a little with my views of beauty and how I see myself, whether I like to admit it or not. I’m quite sure that it is mostly psychological, but I perpetually feel unbeautiful with these bad boys on. The last few days, I’ve been trying to overcompensate for them by trying to dress as cutely as possible. Yet today I came to the point where I just felt like wearing shorts and a t-shirt and accepting that yes, I was just not going to feel beautiful today, and that was going to have to be okay. And like most of my life’s obvious but important realizations, it was okay. I feel a little down, a little less than myself, but I am mostly just fine, and even realizing that I can cultivate inner beauty while feeling less than outwardly so.

In an effort to cultivate inner beauty, I’m trying to actually focus on things outside of myself. I’ve been reading other people’s thoughts on beauty, and here are a few that have stuck with me as I’ve thought about true beauty:

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran

That which is striking and beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful. ~Ninon de L'Enclos

Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic. ~Rosalind Russell

So I am going to choose to find beauty in joyful living and seeking good for the people I love – again, back to last week’s goal, to give more freely. I want to start encouraging my husband, who is a huge encouragement to me, more often. I’d like to share our garden produce with others: friends, church community, and neighbors. I can give encouragement through notes, letters, and prayers. I can enjoy the beauty around me in our garden, on our street, and in the books I enjoy so much. I am actually surrounded by beauty when I choose to look at it this way, and I am a part of it in some way.

On the more superficial side of beauty, I continue to keep thinking of how much I will appreciate my uncovered eyes and a little makeup in a way I haven’t before, but hopefully with a fuller sense of the beauty in and around me.

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting - a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower, and thank God for it as a cup of blessing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Things I've Learned on My Way to 25

Today I turn 25 years old. I have been hesitant about turning this age, mostly I think because growing up, I thought 25 was so old and that you have your whole life figured out by then. I'm definitely not there! But I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago who is also turning 25, and she said to me, "Rachel, haven't you thought about all the ways you've grown and how much wiser and more grounded you are than when you were younger? I think 25's such a great age! Wiser, but still young enough to have a lot ahead of you." That really got me thinking - and she persuaded me to join her line of thought. So today, I walked down to a little cafe down the street, ordered a hazelnut latte, and I made a list to reflect on some of the simple truths I've learned on my way to being 25.

1. I know more than I realize.
2. It's ok to not know and to ASK.
3. Failures aren't so scary. They usually work out better than imagined.
4. Cable is NOT a necessity.
5. Fat is actually good for you (there IS good fat!).
6. Family is important.
7. Love doesn't look the same for everyone (Love does not equal romance and roses).
8. Friendships will pass, but some will stick around (and sometimes they will be the unexpected ones!).
9. Understanding myself brings light to many things, and ultimately, peace.
10.Marriage can be great when married to a great person.
11.Looks, weight, and makeup will NOT make me happy or confident. Taking care of myself and knowing myself WILL.
12.God is faithful.
13.It is ok to say no, but also good to push myself.
14.If you're looking for someone who knows you, look to your sister.
15.I am wiser and braver than I've ever been before, but I'm glad that I have much more to learn!
16.I am more grounded but less settled or sure than I was when I was younger.
17.Life is an open journey ahead of me, and I'm ready!

So, after all, 25 can be good...even great.

(Thanks to Colette for helping me realize this!)