How to Feel Better on a Down Day: Tips from a Natural Worry Wort Trying to Live More Faithfully

Distract worry with music, or an audiobook - using noise to drown out the ‘noise of worry’ works!
Memorize Bible verses that comfort and remind you that character is built during hard times
Take care of yourself - exercise, stretch, and eat well.

Listen to the news or a boring audiobook to fall asleep at night
Don’t be afraid to wake up your spouse or call a friend if you can’t sleep.

Don’t look at Facebook when you feel bad about yourself!
Don’t compare yourself to someone else.

Watch a funny movie or sitcom.
Watch a serious movie - the cry will make you feel better.

Drink a small glass of wine before bed.
Don’t blame your spouse for not understanding how you feel.

Think of how you give grace to others when they make mistakes, and make the decision to give that same grace to yourself.
Go out to lunch with someone.
Take yourself out to a coffee shop to enjoy a good, hot drink, and a good book.

Love those around you, and yourself.

Why is it so hard to redefine beauty?

 I wrestle, almost daily, with the concept of beauty.  Am I trying hard enough to be beautiful? Am I trying too hard? Should I care?

Whatever answers I come up, the truth is that I flounder.  My resolve to not care about others' perceptions of beauty crumbles a little each time I see a women's magazine claiming to have the secret to thinner hips, fuller lips, and bigger eyes.  And then a little more when I walk by Victoria's Secret in the mall.  And the final hit comes when I turn on that darn tv and see women that look more like preteens than fully-grown women.

Although I don't care much for the media's perception of beauty in women, I don't fully blame it for the way I feel. Instead, I think of the twenty-first verse of Matthew 6: "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (NIV)." Or as the New Living Translation frames it, "Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be."

I like the way the Forerunner Commentary explains the verse: "[Matthew] implies money, but the principle includes anything of such importance—apart from the Kingdom of God and His righteousness—that achieving it dominates our thinking, planning, and conduct."

Does beauty fall in this category for me, of dominating my thinking, my planning, and my conduct? Yes, yes, and yes. 

And this marks the important distinction for me when approaching the issue of beauty.  It isn't wrong for me to curl my hair in the morning, or to put on lipstick before going out to dinner.  But the worrying, even obsessing, about what my hair, face, or body looks like is where I go astray.  When I believe that my beauty is more important than my contribution to the kingdom of God here on this earth, I lose vital focus on the otherworldly priorities that Jesus calls us, as his followers, to cultivate.

Because no matter how smooth or frizzy my hair may be does not affect my ministry to those around me, and my relationships with my neighbors, unless I am thinking more about the former than the latter.  My physical appearance has nothing to do with my spiritual condition and my heart for those around me, unless I let become a hindrance.   

In my "Rachel-reading" of verse 21, I would say it like this: "Where your priorities and thoughts most often focus on, your passion, time, and habits will follow."

I've already started pinning my 2013 fitness plans and new hairstyles, but I'm going to put those on hold (not the exercise, just the perpetual pinning of ab-flattening routines!) while I focus on my heart and my habits.  I am going to practice choosing a definition of beauty that prioritizes a gentle heart, loving spirit, and hands that serve and reach out to those around me.

Lord God, create in me a new heart,
redefine in me a new definition and embodiment of beauty,
and fill my spirit with peace and contentment with who You have made me to be.  

{Confession}: Yes, I Am a Perfectionist

Yep, that's me.

So, I have a confession to make:  I often wish I was perfect.  I have always strived to be as good of a person as possible, get the best grades, be in the best shape, and make as few mistakes as possible.  I am a perfectly organized unorganized, extremely forgetful perfectionist (how's that for a combination?).  I like when things go smoothly, easily, and when I think I play a part in that by being a good person, wife, daughter, friend, student, fill in the blank...

But the problem is, I'm just not.  Not perfect, in the least.  I am unorganized, I mess up, get angry, forget appointments, forget to make appointments, cry easily, indulge in way too much ice cream, and forget to clean the dishes...for days.  Sometimes I think that the high standards that I hold myself to actually make me feel less motivated to do these things, because I'm so afraid to mess up that then I actually set myself up for it.  It sounds crazy, because it is!

But taking a look around me makes me realize I am not alone.  We are a society crazed about being the very best of everything.  There's nothing wrong with working towards being better, more successful, or more aware.  The problem is when we're trying so hard to do and be these things that we become afraid to fail and avoid mistakes at all costs.  For me, this means being afraid of risk and trying new things because I am afraid that it will bring up a new, even more imperfect part of me.  I love the idea of new things and places, yet I often avoid them for the familiar.  And more than anything, I dread conflict, because in conflict we often see the worst of ourselves.  My poor husband has seen the worst of me as I dance around conflict and then finally cave and handle it even more badly.

The bad thing, for those of who want to be perfect, is that we never will be.  We're human, which means constantly growing, learning, and relearning, but never doing it perfectly.  Life is a messy process, and we can only truly learn if we embrace mistakes and risk as part of the process.  I've realized that without risk, I'm only half-living.  I want a whole life, more than I want a perfect or conflict-free life.  I think of all the implications there would be of a life without learning through mistakes:

- My marriage would be the same that it was on the day I was married (or the day we met - even scarier!), without taking into account all the things 

we can learn from living together. 

- I would be in the same profession my whole life without 

getting better at it or deciding whether it is a good fit for me. 

- Life would be boring, because I'd be living on auto-pilot without choices or mistakes.

- Getting older wouldn't mean getting wiser, just getting older.

- I would live a life without much possibility for creativity, because, as many artists will tell you, creativity is shaped by mistakes, messiness, and doing it again and again.

So, what's the answer?  How can I live a more full life that embraces mistakes? This quote from Gandhi sums it up pretty well:

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom
to make mistakes.”


The best answer I can come up with is grace.  Grace is God's gift to us, anything we receive that we don't deserve.  Grace is also a gift to ourselves, and each other.  Grace allows mistakes, embraces failure as part of life, welcomes change, remains faithful and understanding, but prompts growth. 

Learning to extend grace to myself is often harder than extending it to others (although I need to work on that, too!).  I need to learn to give myself grace when I eat too much dessert, let the kitchen get too messy, and act like a grouch.  With grace, I can see these as things to learn from in order to become more of the person I would like to be.  

And I'm going to try to be more patient with myself and keep track of what I learn from my mistakes.  In the book Confessor, Terry Goodkind writes,

“I'm afraid that we all make mistakes. One of the things that defines our character is how we handle mistakes. If we lie about having made a mistake, then it can't be corrected and it festers. On the other hand, if we give up just because we made a mistake, even a big mistake, none of us would get far in life.”


I, for one, would like to have a character that is shaped by learning from my mistakes rather than fighting them.  One way I'm already trying to do this is through simplicity.  I write often on this blog about seeking to make my life more simple, whole, and focused on what matters.  I'm realizing along the way that simplicity helps me to see through the things and look at myself and my relationships more truly.

Rethinking Beauty

As you can probably tell, I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. That’s what summer will do to you, I guess (especially when you’re a teacher/student and you have long gaps of free time). I think it must come with this stage of life too – lots of transitions, lots of new things to figure out about how to live well, be a good marriage partner, be a good daughter, and be true to myself. It’s a common state for a twenty-something, although from what I hear, it may last through more decades than just the twenties!

This week I’ve been thinking about beauty, what it is and how I define it. This isn’t the first time in my life that I’ve thought about beauty, but there was something that brought it back to mind pretty keenly a few days ago.

These.

On Friday I went to the eye doctor, thinking that I had a bad case of allergies and would be sent home feeling silly with Visine and tissues, but instead, I left chided for the severe infection the doctor found in both eyes that apparently had been hanging out there for a little while without me realizing it. I had no idea – how are you supposed to know you have an eye infection? So, as a result, I was warned not to put my contacts in. The doctor told me that I need to wear my glasses for what could be a couple months while my eyes heal.

So, I got new glasses (thanks to my mom!), and sunglasses, lots of drops, and came home. I had appointment round two a few days later, and was told that I should throw away all of my makeup and replace it, and that my eyesight had changed as a result of the infection, and that soon I will need new contacts and a new prescription. It felt like bad news just kept getting a little worse. To be honest though, this week I have not been too worried about my eyesight, or infection, new contacts or a changed prescription, I’ve been thinking about how I feel with my glasses on.

There is absolutely nothing unbeautiful about wearing glasses – in fact, I’ve always kind of loved the smart, funky look they can provide. Growing up, I desperately wanted glasses, which was a wish granted early on. However, when one is not used to wearing them, and in addition is wearing them without makeup, it somehow changes the perception.

I am not used to wearing my glasses. For some reason, I just don’t like to wear them as an adult – it makes me feel tired, unprepared for the day, and just out of sorts (even though glasses really do none of these things…). Getting used to what I look like with them on has taken some…getting used to. I am embarrassed to even admit this. I wish it didn’t matter at all to me how I look at any given time. And truly, it has not been ruining my life or taking away my enjoyment of it. But it has played a little with my views of beauty and how I see myself, whether I like to admit it or not. I’m quite sure that it is mostly psychological, but I perpetually feel unbeautiful with these bad boys on. The last few days, I’ve been trying to overcompensate for them by trying to dress as cutely as possible. Yet today I came to the point where I just felt like wearing shorts and a t-shirt and accepting that yes, I was just not going to feel beautiful today, and that was going to have to be okay. And like most of my life’s obvious but important realizations, it was okay. I feel a little down, a little less than myself, but I am mostly just fine, and even realizing that I can cultivate inner beauty while feeling less than outwardly so.

In an effort to cultivate inner beauty, I’m trying to actually focus on things outside of myself. I’ve been reading other people’s thoughts on beauty, and here are a few that have stuck with me as I’ve thought about true beauty:

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran

That which is striking and beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful. ~Ninon de L'Enclos

Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic. ~Rosalind Russell

So I am going to choose to find beauty in joyful living and seeking good for the people I love – again, back to last week’s goal, to give more freely. I want to start encouraging my husband, who is a huge encouragement to me, more often. I’d like to share our garden produce with others: friends, church community, and neighbors. I can give encouragement through notes, letters, and prayers. I can enjoy the beauty around me in our garden, on our street, and in the books I enjoy so much. I am actually surrounded by beauty when I choose to look at it this way, and I am a part of it in some way.

On the more superficial side of beauty, I continue to keep thinking of how much I will appreciate my uncovered eyes and a little makeup in a way I haven’t before, but hopefully with a fuller sense of the beauty in and around me.

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting - a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower, and thank God for it as a cup of blessing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson