Abide.

Ann Voskamp shared this song a few days ago, and ever since, I've been singing it constantly throughout my days.

Singing in the shower, singing while I read, humming while I rinse the dishes and do the laundry.

It is the most beautiful song.  I go to a church that sings hymns, so I have an appreciation for the meaningfulness of the words usually found in hymns.  But I love when someone can reframe a hymn in a beautiful, creative way.



Maybe you'll start singing this too...

...Lord, abide with us.

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

sometimes life feels so fragile, like it must be held ever-so-gently in order to fully hold on to it.

today is one of those days.  relationships change, time changes, life changes - in so many ways bad and good.  mostly good, but sometimes you realize that life can be hard too, for those around you.

when life starts to feel fragile, i find myself reading poetry, listening to wise words, and finding hope in the newness of each day we're given; seeking to embrace the moments that are both bad and good and choosing to find the good, because that is life, in its essence.


"teach us to count the days, teach us to make the days count.  lead us in a better way, because sometimes our souls forgot: life means so much, life means so much.  teach us to count the days." {chris rice}

new post.

At the Newlyweds' Apartment

Us at Hannah's Wedding

For Sale! Check it out here.

Fuel for the Way!

Flowers for H's New Apartment

Visiting Hannah's Street

Road trip with my mom to leave flowers at my sister's apartment while they were on their honeymoon + a wedding + vintage finds (now at eBay) + fall weather

                                                          = Life is good.

School work, holidays, and learning about myself.

It's time for Thanksgiving break (I get the whole week off from grad school!) and that means my mind is officially starting on ideas for this holiday season.  I'm a reflecter by nature, and so any time of transition or change of peace usually prompts me to start reflecting on how I'm doing so far, and what I want to change as I move forward.

I have a fair amount of school work to spend these next few days working on (3 major papers, 2 final exams, catching up on research hours) so I'll be pretty busy up until various Thanksgiving celebrations with our families.  Ben and I tend to say yes to all of the family things we can and end up with quite busy holidays!  Thursday with one family, Friday with another, and Saturday again with one family and Saturday night with yet another! Needless to say, we'll be eating a LOT.  I am thankful though, even in the busy schedule we'll have, that right now we have family near by enough to see, that we love our families and each other's families, and that we Ben and I get to do it together.  Holidays remind me how newlywed I still feel - holidays still feel like a luxury to be able to spend together!

I have a few goals for myself over this holiday season, some practical, some health-related, and others spiritual - all written with grace, realizing that they may not all be done, and will not be done perfectly, but that will be ok.

1. I'd like to be more expressive of what and who I am thankful for.  The next three days before Thanksgiving, I'm going to try to write a note to some of the people I am thankful for to send or give to on Thanksgiving.  I'd like people in my life to know that although I am grateful for many things, the people around me cause me to feel the most blessed.

2.  Morning needs to be a time for reflection - the way I start my morning affects my whole day - if I'm rushed, my whole day feels rushed.  If I don't get to have coffee before I run out the door, I'm a crank! If I don't start the day off with prayer, reflection, or a minute or two to focus on who I'd like to be that day, I end up feeling like I went through my day without any mindfulness of what it held.

3. Soda does not work for me - the guilt, unsettled stomach, and sugar outweighs that cravings I occasionally have for it.

4. One hour of the Today Show = enough for me.  I've found that's just enough to catch up on the news, and then I'm ready to get on with my work!

5. Some days, I just need to remember that spending time with my husband is more important that those pesky dishes in the sink.

6. School is reminding me how much I love to write.  I feel passionate and excited when I sit down to write - even when it's a paper... I think I need to figure out a way to integrate writing into my future career.


My thoughts are uncohesive tonight, no matter how much I love to write, and I think I will leave it there.  Dinner is calling, Law and Order and some tea sounds oh-so-good, and it's my last chance to relax with Ben before the busy week ahead.  Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!

Today is for {relaxing}.

Today I decided that I am just going to relax and do all the things that I enjoy most in a day all to myself.  It's not that I do so much in a week (not nearly as much as Ben manages in his busy weeks!), but this week has felt particularly busy and my stress level in handling it all has not been my most admirable...

So it's time to just relax, and refocus.  Before Thanksgiving, I need to remember all that I have to be thankful for, and in turn, live with a deeper sense of that gratitude and let it shape me more in to the person I would like to be.  More thankful, more peaceful, and more loving.  Less petty and less worried.  More gracious, thoughtful, and creative.  That is the life I would like to embrace - because I know it's in me, I just need to find it and choose to live that way.

I'm ready for flowers at market, browsing my favorite place (Salvation Army!), enjoying the quiet of my messy home, reading my new books, and writing thank you notes to those I love so much to thank them just for being them.

I'm thankful that I can have a day like this, that my schedule allows it, and that I am given the grace each day to live, mess up, and start all over the next day with new things learned.  So here goes today!

{Confession}: Yes, I Am a Perfectionist

Yep, that's me.

So, I have a confession to make:  I often wish I was perfect.  I have always strived to be as good of a person as possible, get the best grades, be in the best shape, and make as few mistakes as possible.  I am a perfectly organized unorganized, extremely forgetful perfectionist (how's that for a combination?).  I like when things go smoothly, easily, and when I think I play a part in that by being a good person, wife, daughter, friend, student, fill in the blank...

But the problem is, I'm just not.  Not perfect, in the least.  I am unorganized, I mess up, get angry, forget appointments, forget to make appointments, cry easily, indulge in way too much ice cream, and forget to clean the dishes...for days.  Sometimes I think that the high standards that I hold myself to actually make me feel less motivated to do these things, because I'm so afraid to mess up that then I actually set myself up for it.  It sounds crazy, because it is!

But taking a look around me makes me realize I am not alone.  We are a society crazed about being the very best of everything.  There's nothing wrong with working towards being better, more successful, or more aware.  The problem is when we're trying so hard to do and be these things that we become afraid to fail and avoid mistakes at all costs.  For me, this means being afraid of risk and trying new things because I am afraid that it will bring up a new, even more imperfect part of me.  I love the idea of new things and places, yet I often avoid them for the familiar.  And more than anything, I dread conflict, because in conflict we often see the worst of ourselves.  My poor husband has seen the worst of me as I dance around conflict and then finally cave and handle it even more badly.

The bad thing, for those of who want to be perfect, is that we never will be.  We're human, which means constantly growing, learning, and relearning, but never doing it perfectly.  Life is a messy process, and we can only truly learn if we embrace mistakes and risk as part of the process.  I've realized that without risk, I'm only half-living.  I want a whole life, more than I want a perfect or conflict-free life.  I think of all the implications there would be of a life without learning through mistakes:

- My marriage would be the same that it was on the day I was married (or the day we met - even scarier!), without taking into account all the things 

we can learn from living together. 

- I would be in the same profession my whole life without 

getting better at it or deciding whether it is a good fit for me. 

- Life would be boring, because I'd be living on auto-pilot without choices or mistakes.

- Getting older wouldn't mean getting wiser, just getting older.

- I would live a life without much possibility for creativity, because, as many artists will tell you, creativity is shaped by mistakes, messiness, and doing it again and again.

So, what's the answer?  How can I live a more full life that embraces mistakes? This quote from Gandhi sums it up pretty well:

“Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom
to make mistakes.”


The best answer I can come up with is grace.  Grace is God's gift to us, anything we receive that we don't deserve.  Grace is also a gift to ourselves, and each other.  Grace allows mistakes, embraces failure as part of life, welcomes change, remains faithful and understanding, but prompts growth. 

Learning to extend grace to myself is often harder than extending it to others (although I need to work on that, too!).  I need to learn to give myself grace when I eat too much dessert, let the kitchen get too messy, and act like a grouch.  With grace, I can see these as things to learn from in order to become more of the person I would like to be.  

And I'm going to try to be more patient with myself and keep track of what I learn from my mistakes.  In the book Confessor, Terry Goodkind writes,

“I'm afraid that we all make mistakes. One of the things that defines our character is how we handle mistakes. If we lie about having made a mistake, then it can't be corrected and it festers. On the other hand, if we give up just because we made a mistake, even a big mistake, none of us would get far in life.”


I, for one, would like to have a character that is shaped by learning from my mistakes rather than fighting them.  One way I'm already trying to do this is through simplicity.  I write often on this blog about seeking to make my life more simple, whole, and focused on what matters.  I'm realizing along the way that simplicity helps me to see through the things and look at myself and my relationships more truly.

The Best and Worst Places for Women

Newsweek released a story in its most recent issue with ratings of the best and worst places in the world to be a woman.  #1?  Iceland.  #2,3,4:  Sweden, Canada, and Denmark.  Ratings were based on job equity, access to political office and rights, quality of education, policies affecting women, and women's health statistics.  The United States came in 8th, strong in education and job equity, but low in policies regarding maternal leave, etc.


The worst places?  Chad, Yemen, D.R. Congo, and Afghanistan.  Rape, domestic violence, and an inability to own property are legal.  Women's democratic rights and personal safety are severely at risk in these countries, with little or no political access, voting rights, or job equity.  As one reporter covering the results put it, things that we take for granted as human rights in most Western countries are not givens in these places.  In some of these places, to be a woman truly means to be a second-class citizen.

So what are some ways that we, as citizens of the world, can affect the livelihood of women around the world?  Here are a few organizations who work to advocate for women's rights and health initiatives around the world:

Kiva

Kiva is an organization which facilitates micro loans from people around the world to people in developing countries who write proposals requesting specific funds for starting up their businesses.  Detailed profiles are provided, and updates are sent via email to inform the lender about how the project is going.  Money is repaid by the borrower and put back in to your account, allowing you to recycle the repaid money to further loans.  For just $25, you can begin to loan and provide support to a woman in another country.  This is one of my favorite organizations, and with a 98.86% repayment rate, it has quite an incredible model!  For more, check it out here.

MCC

MCC sends workers to serve in countries around the world, with a number of initiatives regarding healthcare, education, engineering, social services, and ministry.  Their New Life Project provides education and literacy skills to women in Bangladesh who formerly were forced into the sex-trafficking trade.  For a $25 donation, you can buy literacy curriculum and materials for a woman for a whole year, enabling someone to read for the first time!  For $288, you can sponsor a woman to go through the whole program.  For more information about this project, please check it out here.

EMM

EMM is an organization based in the U.S. which sends workers all around the world.  One location in Ethiopia is the Meserete Kristos College, which allows both men and women to receive higher education and seminary training, allowing them to have a brighter future.  To learn more about this incredible opportunity, look here.

Jubilee Debt Forgiveness Campaign

In the poorest countries, often basic rights like healthcare and education are unable to be provided by the national government due to a lack of resources.  Unfortunately, decades of aid has led to insurmountable debts for these places.  Write your local representative or congressperson to ask them to support debt forgiveness for the poorest countries, allowing them to get a new start and provide for their own people.  To learn more, read here.

And finally, to see more about the Newsweek report on women's rights around the world in a short video, watch here.

I am blind to so many injustices that happen around the world, but I don't want this to be one of them.  I encourage you to learn more to support women (and men) around the developing world to gain access to basic human rights.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

Martin Luther King Jr., Letter from Birmingham Jail, April 16, 1963

Pause, and Be Happy.

Singing Beach, 2009

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness

and just be happy."
— Guillaume Appollnaire

 Last night, while Ben and I were taking a walk around our block, I was reminded in our conversation that we are moving toward the life that we have hoped for and talked about in many dreaming conversations.  In the midst of figuring out what is best for me, for us, and for the future, I realize that I am taking the steps toward a direction that feels good, that feels right.  Going to seminary is something I have always thought would be an unfulfilled dream, and it's good for me to pause and realize that I am doing it - I am living out what I have always hoped - and I am happy doing it.  

I've talked a lot about my projects to be a happier person, inspired by The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  I have learned and continue to learn so much about myself and about life from the pursuit of deeper happiness.  It is fitting though, that this quote I read this morning is from Gretchen Rubin's daily happiness quote for today (you can sign up for it at her blog: www.happiness-project.com).  In the pursuit of greater happiness, it's necessary that we pause and realize the moments of happiness we experience along the way.  Yesterday was one of those moments for me.  I have happiness in this new direction in my life, in my relationships, my marriage, and my hope that I am following the right path for this time in my life.  Definitely worth the pause, don't you think?

Forgetting to Shake the Mustard - OR - Why the Most Obvious Things are the Easiest to Forget

Forgetting to shake mustard before pouring it:  why is it that the most obvious things are often the easiest to forget (as I groaned earlier when making lunch)?  Like a teacher I observed in college said to her students, "it's as easy as taking candy from a baby." (This was never a teaching strategy I was particularly fond of.) 

Another example of blindness to the obvious:  when I told myself this morning that I was going to let myself take a break, relax, veg a little, rest to catch up from the busy pace I've had lately; I should have realized that I was going to take myself up on it (obvious).  So later today, as I'm still feeling unmotivated, finally just now pulling out my schoolwork (although not even now, since I'm still blogging rather than studying!), and not yet wearing any makeup, I'm not sure why I feel so guilty.  I approved this slacking off! When giving in to a lack of motivation, it's not going to - poof! - transform into a sudden streak of uber-productiveness: that's obvious.

So I'm going to try to remember a few obvious things that I've obviously forgotten:
- If I decide to take a break, I should take the break and let myself enjoy it, rather than feel guilty throughout it.
- If I decide to take a break, I need to remember - I will not be surprisingly productive!
- Rest is good sometimes, and usually if you're almost going crash, it's good to pre-emptively institute a break before it happens.

More seriously, as I'm getting my perspective back on track, I'm also grateful for the chance I have to rest; and feel that I need to recognize those that don't often (or ever) have the same chance to do so:

Teachers : They work the longest hours outside of the workplace than anyone I know.  They basically live, breathe, and eat planning and thinking about their classrooms, and get paid (and thanked) very little for it.

The Working Poor : Have you noticed on the news lately that there are more and more statistics about the increasing poverty rate, the call for rethinking tax structures, and the number of people who are needing to have more than one job?  The gap between the rich and the poor is the largest it has been since the Great Depression.  The poor work in lower-paying jobs, pay higher percentages of their income in taxes, and yet still give a higher percentage to charity than the wealthy and middle-class(!).  It should be obvious that there's a problem if the poorest in our country are paying higher taxes and sharing more with others who are needy than those who are actually able to afford it with wiggle room to spare.

Share some money with an organization in your area, write a letter to a representative to support a higher tax on the wealthy, or volunteer an hour a week to an organization that works with the poor. 

Let's not let this become one of the obvious (and most important) things that we easily forget. 

Gestures of Love

I've been thinking a lot lately about what love is - what it looks like, how it feels, and how so many times, it is different than what you expect.  I have found that small acts of love mean a lot to me - I save each card, letter, and act of thoughtfulness that I receive and love the "bank" of memories that it gives me each time I think about them.

The past two weeks, my husband, Ben, has blessed me in so many simple and thoughtful ways with acts of love.  On the first day of class, not only did he drive an hour and a half to pick me up late at night when I missed my train, but he even came with a beautiful vase of sunflowers.

This past Saturday, I just had one of those grouchy days - you know the ones I mean?  Nothing felt quite right - my hair felt frizzy, my jeans felt tight, and I felt tired and off - and so Ben offers to make dinner (he probably didn't want me to be around knives for any period of time, but I can't blame him!).  That gesture of love ended my day on such a better note.  He made a delicious pork roast with honey mustard beer sauce, roasted sweet potatoes and vidalia onions, and green beans with walnuts and olive oil.  I had asked for something whole food-ish and with some protein, and Ben hit it on the head!  We even had homemade peach cobbler for dessert.  Yum!

There are many other little things that I have in the bank of memories that I hold on to so dearly.  These moments, although fleeting and at times small, are each meaningful and precious to me, and they sustain me through the long days, the off days, and the quiet moments of life.

A (Not-So-Early) Morning Prayer of Un-Domesticity

thestir.cafemom.com

As I look at the pile of dishes ever-growing on the counters,

the assorted mugs, teacups, and glasses abandoned on once empty surfaces,

and the general feeling of dishevelment,

I am reminded

that I am no domestic goddess;

no Martha Stewart,

Rachel Ray, 

or Pioneer Woman.

I am just me.

And although being me means that there will not be perfect order,

perfectly cooked meals

or promptly cleaned up spills,

it does mean that I am being true to who I am made to be,

which somehow at the same time, allows me to grow into

what I'm not quite

...yet.

I have been made by One whose vision for me is wider

than the state 

of my countertops

or the clarity of my thoughts (or window panes!);

whose call to me is found 

outside 

of my own imperfections,

a call to grasp this day as an opportunity

an opportunity to love

to embrace change

to reach out to a neighbor

and to do what I can do,

while asking for help at every turn

along the way.

Thank You

that You do not call me to be perfect, successful, or domestic;

as Mother Teresa said,

You just call me to be

faithful.

Quiet.

Oh weekend...I'm so glad you're here. I haven't quite figured out what it is mentally about the weekends that makes them so anticipation-inducing, or so physically refreshing. I guess it may be just that-the idea that there is something different about these two days of weekend that make us able to slow down a little, to not expect quite so much from ourselves. This may not be true for everyone - I know for many, weekends are time for yard work, cleaning, or whatever else their weeks were just a little too busy for. With some exceptions, Ben and I usually designate weekends as time to relax, rest, enjoy. Although lately my weeks have not been very busy or eventful, I still find myself looking forward to the weekend's pace and change in schedule.

Lately, it feels likes my life is full of quiet moments, more than anything else. I know usually we speak of quiet as a rare, sought after luxury. And I agree - it is all too rare in our fast-paced, noisy world. However, summer has brought a deep quietness that I have not experienced in a long time - if ever, to this degree. I suppose what I mean is not just a quietness around me, but a quietness within me as well. I've had some moments this summer of recognizing that quiet as peace-contentedness, acceptance. I am finally okay with the state of myself, my life, my next steps and the change that comes with them. Yet another thing that always eludes me about life is that ever-present sense of doubt. Is the quiet too quiet? Is it because I'm boring? Bored? Unmotivated? Not busy enough? Not embracing life around me?

And then, I draw myself back to reality in moments like this - the only reality one who follows Christ and/or for anyone who truly embraces the mystery of life as inevitable - trust. Trust. In God, trust in quietness as being okay, trust in myself to know myself well enough to know if something is off, and trust in the forward movement of life to not always be very quiet - and maybe therefore, to embrace it while it is abundant in my life right now.

Maybe I am alone in this suspicion of quiet. Or maybe it is reflective of a world that is hardly quiet, so that when we do have blissful quiet, we don't know how to embrace it. Or live well in it, like I'm finding myself struggling to do right now.

As fall comes (one of my favorite seasons), I realize that is often one of the busiest times in my year. The onset of holidays, school, switching over of wardrobes, and new forms of yard maintenance to do. So maybe, just maybe, I can enjoy this last glimmer of summer, and quiet, as a blessing to refresh me before this exciting, busy fall time begins, and so I will - try.

RE-Arranging the Bedroom

Lately, Ben and I love to dream of having our own house, with our own spacious backyard, on a city street with lots of neighbors, and old floors and "bones" to work with. On our walks through the city, we love to pick out houses we would love to own someday, and dream of all the things we could do there: raise chickens, grow veggies, plant flowers, grow grapes (well, maybe those are more of my dreams...but you get the idea). Don't get me wrong - we love where we live! It's just so fun to dream of what we one day will get to invest in.

I also love to look at other peoples' kitchens. I loved the kitchen we had at our house in Maine the past week: high ceilings, open cabinets, and a center island with gas range and hanging pots and pans everywhere. Not uber-chic and glamorous, but it has such a great feel!

Cooking range (with my brother working hard...what a guy!); Bar stool seats at the island; and in true Maine style, lobster and wine glasses, side by side:

a

A kitchen like this just isn't in the cards for us yet - as students, twenty-somethings, and in transition - we know this is a dream for the future. But I still love to dream! Earlier this week I went to the library and got a stack of books about making your own beauty products, organizing your home, and making soap (a project I'm hoping to get to...eventually). While paging through a home organization/simplification book, I kept reading how important to sleep and peace of mind it is to have a calming bedroom.

(Source:Amazon.com)

When thinking of our bedroom, I usually think of it as a place where we crash at the end of a busy day, plunk down our books, computers, etc., and leave clothes and discarded outfit options around the floor. Not quite the picture of a calm, serene environment...

So I set to rearranging our bedroom. The first step: rearranging furniture (something I am terrible at!). I enlisted the help of my selfless husband to experiment with moving our furniture to find a new order. Second step: moving wardrobe dressers, laundry baskets, and bedside tables to face on opposite sides of the room to make "his and hers" areas of the room. Amazingly, this has already simplified our getting ready for bed and getting ready for the morning processes to have everything of our own right where we can get to it, and to discard our laundry in our own baskets at the end of the night. Third, decorations to hang, that have been sitting for quite awhile amidst the clutter. So now we have our engagement picture up, Ben's favorite Phillies caps, and the beautiful quilt hanging we received for our wedding, all up!

So, well I can't work in that dream kitchen/house quite yet, I'll be content working in the one we are fortunate to have.

Here are some pictures of our before and after bedroom arrangement (sorry, the before pictures don't give a good sense of how it looked!):

Before

After

Dreams, Transitions, and Peace.

I’ve been having the craziest dreams lately. I always seem to have the most “out-there” dreams, wild combinations of anything that may or may not have come into my day-to-day life. But lately they’ve been more realistic. I have had countless dreams of getting ready to go back to teaching (I have these every year around this time), but not being able to find my new classroom, forgetting to set up my room before the students come, or in my latest dream, being assigned to teach Spanish and not knowing it until the day before. I’ve talked to other teachers, and dreams like this seem to be more normal than I realize. It’s part of that August, back to school preparation/anxiety.

The thing is, I am not going back to teaching this year, but my body doesn’t seem to have caught on to that yet… This year I am on an adventure, embarking on something completely new and unexpected, but amazingly, brings much peace and contentment when I think about it. This fall, I will be going to seminary outside of Philadelphia, and studying theology and public policy, and working at a center for social action on campus (as part of a scholarship). A few months ago, I wouldn’t have imagined that I would be a seminary student at this point, but it is the fruition of many years of dreaming about it and the constant answer to the question from others: “If you could dream of doing anything besides what you do now, what would it be?” It has always been seminary ever since I have been old enough to seriously consider what I would like to do, and feel passionate about doing.

I feel incredibly blessed that in this time of major transition, back to being a student from being a teacher, I have the strong support of my family, friends, and Ben. They were my biggest encouragers, telling me that this dream could be a reality if I felt like it was the right thing, and helping me to make it happen. There have been so many times when I have been affirmed by their encouragement, and the encouragement and excitement of others around me, at my church, former workplace, and old friends.

So, change is the big word in my life right now. Change of schedule, change in my use of time, change in my direction, and change in our income. Thankfully, although it will not be easy, we are prepared mentally and practically for the changes that going down to one income will bring. I am excited for the change of schedule and time. I love studying, reading, and writing, and I can’t wait to be a student again. It just feels so right. And for the first time in my life, I don’t have a definitive “endpoint” to my direction. I don’t exactly know where all of this will lead, but I’m okay with that (and for a person who loves to have control, that is pretty amazing)!

Peace is a funny thing-it doesn’t always come when everything is perfectly settled, figured out, or logical. It comes more with that feeling that this is right, you are affirmed in the direction you’re headed, and you can be okay with the unknowns. Peace for me, is actually being found in relinquishing some of my control, trying an unknown path, and feeling the excitement of knowing I am following an unexpectedly realized dream.

Before vacation, my dad and I went to the seminary campus to register for classes and meet with an advisor. I will be taking three days of classes a week, and hopefully taking the train only four times a week (and staying over a night to save time) into Philadelphia. I can’t wait for all that this change will bring. Poor Ben, I tell him all the time lately how excited I am for this all to begin (he is great at handling it – he’s my biggest advocate). Along with all the excitement and anticipation, I am experiencing peace, and that is the greatest blessing.

Rethinking Beauty

As you can probably tell, I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. That’s what summer will do to you, I guess (especially when you’re a teacher/student and you have long gaps of free time). I think it must come with this stage of life too – lots of transitions, lots of new things to figure out about how to live well, be a good marriage partner, be a good daughter, and be true to myself. It’s a common state for a twenty-something, although from what I hear, it may last through more decades than just the twenties!

This week I’ve been thinking about beauty, what it is and how I define it. This isn’t the first time in my life that I’ve thought about beauty, but there was something that brought it back to mind pretty keenly a few days ago.

These.

On Friday I went to the eye doctor, thinking that I had a bad case of allergies and would be sent home feeling silly with Visine and tissues, but instead, I left chided for the severe infection the doctor found in both eyes that apparently had been hanging out there for a little while without me realizing it. I had no idea – how are you supposed to know you have an eye infection? So, as a result, I was warned not to put my contacts in. The doctor told me that I need to wear my glasses for what could be a couple months while my eyes heal.

So, I got new glasses (thanks to my mom!), and sunglasses, lots of drops, and came home. I had appointment round two a few days later, and was told that I should throw away all of my makeup and replace it, and that my eyesight had changed as a result of the infection, and that soon I will need new contacts and a new prescription. It felt like bad news just kept getting a little worse. To be honest though, this week I have not been too worried about my eyesight, or infection, new contacts or a changed prescription, I’ve been thinking about how I feel with my glasses on.

There is absolutely nothing unbeautiful about wearing glasses – in fact, I’ve always kind of loved the smart, funky look they can provide. Growing up, I desperately wanted glasses, which was a wish granted early on. However, when one is not used to wearing them, and in addition is wearing them without makeup, it somehow changes the perception.

I am not used to wearing my glasses. For some reason, I just don’t like to wear them as an adult – it makes me feel tired, unprepared for the day, and just out of sorts (even though glasses really do none of these things…). Getting used to what I look like with them on has taken some…getting used to. I am embarrassed to even admit this. I wish it didn’t matter at all to me how I look at any given time. And truly, it has not been ruining my life or taking away my enjoyment of it. But it has played a little with my views of beauty and how I see myself, whether I like to admit it or not. I’m quite sure that it is mostly psychological, but I perpetually feel unbeautiful with these bad boys on. The last few days, I’ve been trying to overcompensate for them by trying to dress as cutely as possible. Yet today I came to the point where I just felt like wearing shorts and a t-shirt and accepting that yes, I was just not going to feel beautiful today, and that was going to have to be okay. And like most of my life’s obvious but important realizations, it was okay. I feel a little down, a little less than myself, but I am mostly just fine, and even realizing that I can cultivate inner beauty while feeling less than outwardly so.

In an effort to cultivate inner beauty, I’m trying to actually focus on things outside of myself. I’ve been reading other people’s thoughts on beauty, and here are a few that have stuck with me as I’ve thought about true beauty:

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran

That which is striking and beautiful is not always good, but that which is good is always beautiful. ~Ninon de L'Enclos

Taking joy in living is a woman's best cosmetic. ~Rosalind Russell

So I am going to choose to find beauty in joyful living and seeking good for the people I love – again, back to last week’s goal, to give more freely. I want to start encouraging my husband, who is a huge encouragement to me, more often. I’d like to share our garden produce with others: friends, church community, and neighbors. I can give encouragement through notes, letters, and prayers. I can enjoy the beauty around me in our garden, on our street, and in the books I enjoy so much. I am actually surrounded by beauty when I choose to look at it this way, and I am a part of it in some way.

On the more superficial side of beauty, I continue to keep thinking of how much I will appreciate my uncovered eyes and a little makeup in a way I haven’t before, but hopefully with a fuller sense of the beauty in and around me.

Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God's handwriting - a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every fair face, in every fair sky, in every fair flower, and thank God for it as a cup of blessing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

What Does Giving Freely Really Mean?

I am done with this past week’s goals to Identify the Problem, which I talked about in a large-scale way in my post about why I decided to give up shopping for a year (or “identifying the problem in my closet”!); Give it a Try (and be willing to fail along the way); and Give Freely. I decided to give a few things a try, although maybe not on as large of a scale as I would’ve hoped. I submitted a few essays to Sojourners’ God’s Politics blog, which were not accepted (at least, not yet!), which was still worth trying, especially since I was okay with failing too. Then I decided that I wanted to try to respond to some of the things I was reading and thinking about regarding politics and larger-scale issues, thus my last two posts about the budget crisis and consumer culture. I truly enjoyed doing these posts – it was challenging but felt natural (Like I was writing for school! – Sick, I know…). I’m expecting more of my posts will be like this, because I enjoyed writing them so much.

As I was thinking about my goals though, Give Freely kept coming back to my mind and felt elusively general. What does it mean exactly to just “give freely”? Give what? And to who? To me, it evoked images of handing soup out at a local church or charity, or giving away all my clothes (well, maybe not ALL!). Although I think these forms of giving and community involvement are really important for me to incorporate more into my life, I also realized that there are many other, smaller ways that I need to give. TIME was the first thing I came up with when brainstorming a list of “what I can give to others”. I need to be more willing to give my time freely – without worrying about what I should be doing at home, or stopping by the grocery store for, or missing my favorite show over. This might mean looking for opportunities to give that come up and instead of immediately thinking I’m too busy, maybe I need to give it a second look. Already, going to our church’s community meals on Monday nights has been a great way to spend my time in a different way, building relationships and giving time to be with others. I’m still trying to think of ways that I can give more freely. But I believe that thinking about it has also made me more aware of how others in my life give freely and more likely to take notice of it. There are a few examples of ways that those around me have given freely to me this week:

- My mom brought me to the eye doctor and without hesitation paid for my visit, offered to buy me new glasses, and went with me to pick them out to offer an opinion.
- After a yard sale at my family’s house on Saturday, my parents selflessly divided the money evenly between my siblings and I.
- My husband, Ben, gave freely to me this weekend by walking down the whole length of our apartment to grab me Advil any time I needed it, being incredible flexible with meal plans and changes to schedule, and giving time to just talk even when it’s something we’ve talked about a million times.
- A wonderful friend spontaneously brought over a casserole, fresh bread, and bowl of fruit for me to have for dinner whenever I need it this coming week once she heard that I have an eye infection in both eyes.

There are many more examples like this that I could pull from. Even when writing the list, I am amazed at the small acts of generosity and thoughtfulness around me that make up the “high points” of life. These are the models of giving freely that I would like to emulate. As I look back at the week, I realize that not only is there benefit and importance in giving of oneself, but also to remember the ways in which people have given to us and pause to be thankful for them.

This coming week I will not be continuing to write about my last three goals, since they are more personal and too general to be applied for just a week. But I hope that what will last and “stick” are the in-the-moment reflections on my goals throughout the day and continued forward movement to becoming more of the person I would like to be.

What I Learned About Enjoying the Process, Living with Intention, and Doing It Now

Last week I decided that I would try to focus on three goals each week from my 12 Personal Commandments that I made after reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I've referenced the book a lot in earlier posts, and if you haven't checked it out yet, you should! http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Project.

For the past week (Saturday-Saturday), I focused on three goals from my 12 "Commandments" of happier, simpler living:

5. Do it Today.
6. Live with Intention.
7. Enjoy the process.

This morning I took some time to reflect on what stood out and what I learned as I tried to be more mindful of these three goals. Here are the 10 things I came up with from my week's learning. They get a little wordy (sorry, I've apologized for this earlier - my love of lengthy writing!), but stick with me:

1. Do it now really does work! Clean the kitchen counters after every spill and do the dishes as they come (don't let them sit long!). This is such a simple source of happiness and reduced clutter.

2. Protein makes me feel better than sugar or even a caffeinated drink (this one is hard for me to believe, still!). I have been following a higher-protein, higher healthy fat, lower carb way of eating since watching the documentary Fat Head(much better than it sounds) and reading the book Protein Power by Drs. Eades. I used to be a chronic coffee drinker (and still enjoy it), but I find that peanut butter, nuts and fruit, or an egg make my body feel much better.

3. Put away clothes when I am done wearing them (an ever-growing pile of clothes on the floor does not equal more happiness).

4. Enjoy what I'm still learning about marriage and my husband, and remember that I still have a long time to keep figuring it out! (And that's a great thing!)

5. It IS okay to learn by messing up first, just try to learn something for the next time.

6. Ask for help! (this is one that I also mentioned in my list of things I've learned on my way to 25) I've learned that my husband is a great person to ask for cooking advice and help!

7. Do what I don't like to do first. For example, cleaning old leftovers out of the frig - I am the queen of putting this job off, and then dreading it for days. It seems so simple - just do it when it first comes up. As Gretchen Rubin says in THP in her section on tackling a nagging task, "studies show that one of the best ways to lift your mood is to engineer an easy success, such as tackling a long-delayed chore". Simple, but true.

8. I like using and reading on my computer, and that's not all bad, as long as I'm mindful of what I'm replacing to be on my computer.

9. Sunday was a great "day of rest" from my computer. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed NOT checking my email, blog, or anything else for the day yesterday. I enjoyed all the other things I had time to do, and enjoyed good conversation with Ben.

10.Enjoy the simple, little things: cold beer after a busy day, being able to walk down the block with Ben to get ice cream from a local ice cream shop in the evening, saving money, spontaneous unplanned moments, and eating homegrown food.

Again, I'm sorry for all the wordiness, but many of these begged for me to explain (at least in my mind!). This week, my three goals are:

8. Identify the problem.
9. Give it a try! (And be willing to fail along the way)
10.Give freely.

Here goes!

The Goodness of Mornings

This morning I woke up thinking more about The Happiness Project book which I have been enjoying and reflecting on so much since our vacation to Seattle a few weeks ago. Since I've been back home and somewhat "in the routine" (if that is every truly possible in the summer!), I've been trying to find ways to let the things that really spoke to me from the book guide my day-to-day living. Not always easy to do - to transfer the vacation "high" back to day-to-day life...

This morning I decided to sit outside on our little back deck. I love it out here on our deck - it is peaceful to be in my own little oasis, but I still have all the smells, sounds, and hustle-bustle around me of the city getting ready for another day. I took a chance to reread the parts of my journal that I wrote as I read The Happiness Project and ideas for how to bring it home and learn from it. As I was rereading, I realized that I am really encouraged when I can remember one of the "12 Commandments" from the book and bring it to mind in the moment when I need it ("Act the way you want to feel!" aka "Fake it til you make it"). I have been focusing a lot on the first four of my own commandments that I made after reading: 1) Be Rachel, 2) Let it go (I really need this one!), 3) Laugh, and 4) Act the way you want to feel. Mostly I think these come to mind so quickly because they are the ones that I can remember in the busyness of the moment! Also, they apply to a wide range of situations.

So I was thinking I should try to focus on a few of the others each week to help me remember them more easily, hoping that repetition (even if just for a week) will help to make it a habit. So I am going to try to focus on 3 of the rest of my commandments each week, mostly to help myself remember to live more thoughtfully and consciously. Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project, took three goals and spent a whole month working on being more mindful and setting goals toward achieving them throughout the month. I love her idea, but I just don't think that it would be practical for me - summer is so much more flexible and relaxed for me than the rest of the year, and I have no idea how demanding it will be for me to begin seminary this coming fall. So I think working on these over the summer makes more sense for me (and anyone else who doesn't have the flexibility of being a full-time, free-lance writer like Gretchen Rubin!). Hopefully just a week of each will make these stick!

So, this coming week (Saturday-Saturday), I am going to focus on #5, #6, and #7:
5) Do it now!
6) Live with intention.
7) Enjoy the process.

Already this morning, I feel like I have a small victory in trying to "Do it now!" just by sitting out on the back deck to journal and read. Every morning I want to do this and tell myself how good it would be for me to do (instead of dragging myself out to the couch to watch the Today Show each morning...). But somehow I end up doing anything but. I clean up from the night before, watch tv, make breakfast, check email, fall back asleep, etc. These are fine activities, but often leaving me feeling somewhat "blah" and wishing I had begun with some quiet time and reading instead. So this week, I'm going to try to focus on living more intentionally and having a small amount of quiet time on the deck each morning. I'm also going to try to limit my email-checking/computer time by setting a timer for 30 minutes twice a day: morning and afternoon, and walking away after that. Since I don't have an office job or really any full-time job over the summer, there's no reason that I need to be checking the computer so often. I am not looking forward to this- I love surfing my computer to read the NY Times, blogs, email, Craigslist, and who knows what else?! But I know I'll feel good if I challenge myself to live intentionally this week and see how I do without it so frequently. Trying to "enjoy the process"!

We'll see how it goes! I encourage you to find a way to live intentionally, enjoy the process, and do it now! this week.

My porch view this morning:







My new journal and me enjoying it (excuse my sleepy morning look!):





If you're interested in learning more about The Happiness Project, you can check out Gretchen Rubin's blog: http://www.happiness-project.com/

Act the Way You Want to Feel

Tea - I love a comforting mug of it at night before bed, the smell of it when Ben is brewing it with mint leaves into fresh iced tea, and the whole comfort of merely sipping tea. But I did NOT know that tea is also a great hardwood floor cleaner!

On my quest to clean with more natural, "whole" ingredients, I read on several sites (including professionals' sites) about cleaning wood floors with tea bags steeped in warm water. Some recommended using up to 20 tea bags... I wasn't sure that I wanted to use quite that many of our beloved tea bags, or waste them if it wasn't going to work. So, I stuck with 2.



The whole length of our apartment is old hardwood flooring, and I found that microfiber cloths and just one medium sized pot of water and tea cleaned the whole stretch from living room to kitchen through our long hallway. True to what they claimed, our floors do look cleaner and shinier. It's not a jaw-dropping difference, but it does look much better and more polished. We'll have to see if anyone else notices a difference - the true test!

My newly cleaned living room floor: (I don't have a before picture, so you'll have to trust me!)



Soon after cleaning my kitchen floor (which is tile, so I did not used tea! just warm water), I was making myself a snack, when I apparently was overexcited about grabbing the peanut butter (which does get me too excited - I could eat it day and night), and knocked off most of what was on the shelf onto my hard tile floor. Needless to say, my clean floor didn't stay clean for long...



I am a major klutz, and it is a big source of frustration for me. I have almost dropped and broken my way through a whole set of Pyrex bowls (Ben and I were just recounting last night - how did we only end up with 2 left?) and other miscellaneous dishes. However, today, instead of being frustrated, I decided that I was going to try to follow one of the commandments I set for myself after reading "The Happiness Project": Act the way you want to feel. Simple sounding, but helpful - if you want to be feeling happier and be more "go with the flow", then act that way until you start to feel it. A friend of my mom's calls it "fake it til you make it". I like that version a lot too. It can't hurt to at least try to fake myself into acting like it doesn't bother me to dirty a kitchen floor.

And you know what? It worked! I laughed at myself, cleaned it up right then (also a commandment: Do it now!), and decided to take a picture and celebrate the fact that it happened and did not bother me. Again, it probably sounds so simple and insignificant, but in the day-to-day, those little moments of choosing happiness add up to a big difference at the end of the day.

Now off to go shopping to replace the jars of sweet mustard that I used to help me the act the way I wanted to feel this morning... :)

Things I've Learned on My Way to 25

Today I turn 25 years old. I have been hesitant about turning this age, mostly I think because growing up, I thought 25 was so old and that you have your whole life figured out by then. I'm definitely not there! But I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago who is also turning 25, and she said to me, "Rachel, haven't you thought about all the ways you've grown and how much wiser and more grounded you are than when you were younger? I think 25's such a great age! Wiser, but still young enough to have a lot ahead of you." That really got me thinking - and she persuaded me to join her line of thought. So today, I walked down to a little cafe down the street, ordered a hazelnut latte, and I made a list to reflect on some of the simple truths I've learned on my way to being 25.

1. I know more than I realize.
2. It's ok to not know and to ASK.
3. Failures aren't so scary. They usually work out better than imagined.
4. Cable is NOT a necessity.
5. Fat is actually good for you (there IS good fat!).
6. Family is important.
7. Love doesn't look the same for everyone (Love does not equal romance and roses).
8. Friendships will pass, but some will stick around (and sometimes they will be the unexpected ones!).
9. Understanding myself brings light to many things, and ultimately, peace.
10.Marriage can be great when married to a great person.
11.Looks, weight, and makeup will NOT make me happy or confident. Taking care of myself and knowing myself WILL.
12.God is faithful.
13.It is ok to say no, but also good to push myself.
14.If you're looking for someone who knows you, look to your sister.
15.I am wiser and braver than I've ever been before, but I'm glad that I have much more to learn!
16.I am more grounded but less settled or sure than I was when I was younger.
17.Life is an open journey ahead of me, and I'm ready!

So, after all, 25 can be good...even great.

(Thanks to Colette for helping me realize this!)